Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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