im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
