after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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