wrigley field is MILF paradise
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
