My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
