Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
