i was born a porn star she said
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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