Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
