I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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