Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Randomize
