She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
