Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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