Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
