Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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