If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
