Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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