oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
