did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
