I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
