He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
