just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
