I'm drive I can fine osifer
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
