I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
