Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
