"it" just moved
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
