I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
