His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
