As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
