the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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