You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
