I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
