yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
