I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
