my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
