You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
