I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
