please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
