Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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