How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
