My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
