WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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