My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
