he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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