It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I showed him my bush... on skype.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
