I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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