have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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