Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
