Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
