I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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