How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
