Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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